What I really want to talk about tonight is love. . . There was a moment last week when I wondered if maybe there was still a breath of connection here. After letting my heart jump a little, and soaking up the feeling of limerance for a little while, I kind of realised that it is actually just academic. Number one, that person could be anyone. Number two, what difference does it make to the reality of my life?

It is so nice to go around the sun once again. To feel the familiarity of winter in my office and the trip in the sun to go and buy something for lunch. There is one particular sunny corner of my walk that makes me think of this relationship. Often when I reach that corner, I am feeling so grateful for being alive and happy in the sunshine.

This winter will be different though. Because this winter, I am not consumed with the addiction and connection to this relationship. I am no longer a prisoner of it, and so the depth of the sun soaks in just a little bit more. Even though there is the merest breath of a something that still stirs my soul. And yet, I don’t want to be a prisoner to it.

Maybe it is an ear worm but for the heart, and the more I talk about it, the more that it will wrap me in chains and take away my freedom. And maybe, this unseen, unknown love will always just bring me undone in the end, and what I actually have to do is to close the door and say goodbye.